Tribe

TRIBE

I wanted to write this post about something that is powerful for me, to see how many other folks resonate with my feelings.

Right now one of the most powerful personal desires I have is totally in harmony with the thing I want to create most in the world – a powerful interconnected community that goes beyond just friendship, and offers deep mutual support on all levels from emotional to financial, sharing skills, things, wisdom, and love. – I want tribe, and I want to create it for others.

I get pieces of it in different places, but the groups, both formal and informal, that I belong to are usually confined to one area of my life, or are quickly changing with no real long term commitment. I long for a strong long-term group that I can pour myself, my skills, my energy into and be supported by. I have found that this type of group is hard to find or to create, as our lives, our time, our energy, are often fractured in many different pieces. And many progressive folks often leave when a connection gets challenging, rather than working it through. Also many people live in time poverty and never feel like they have the time to make the type of community that could make their life easier and more fulfilling.

I have certainly seen and experienced pieces of tribe –

* I remember a friend who I co-counseled with back in the 90’s who was a single mom with two young kids who worked 25 hours a week, had an active social life, and never paid for child care. She was part of a circle of 6 moms that exchanged kids at will, when my friend was home she often had 4 or 6 kids, not just two. And there was quality socialization that went along with he childcare as each of the 6 moms were friends. Their lives worked more than any other single moms I have known. This is Tribe.

• There was a women at a workshop I led in California who had watched her partner drown in front of her 6 weeks earlier. She came almost like a zombie, feeling understandably hollow and shut down. At one point she started to weep, a keening wail from the soul, and her friend who had brought her, held her really tight, and we all just held space. After 5 minutes, her friend was getting tired and asked for someone to come in and replace her as the holder. The soul wailing went one, and after 5 more minutes, a 3rd person came in to hold her, and then a 4^th, and then a 5^th. During the 5^th holder, the wailing slowed to sobs, then to whimpers, then to silence, and the woman looked at us with an entirely different face, and said, ”It’s OK, I’m different now.” I remember wishing that everyone could have this support from their community when it was needed. This is Tribe.
• I was part of a support group that met for years, and one of our members who had never been single for even 24 hours since she was 17, had her boyfriend break up with her, she was distraught, didn’t sleep for more than 2 hours for days. The group then volunteered to take turns staying at her house every night. After 10 days, she was OK. This is Tribe.
• I have always wanted to have a relationship with the piece of land I lived on, but I never had the right situation or length of stay to make a garden happen. Plus gardening has never been natural or intuitive with me. Last year, I finally moved into a place I could stay for a while, and had some control. My front yard was just a lawn, and I knew nothing about how to change that. There was a work party from my gift economy group that in less than 2 hours mulched and cardboarded my front yard last November. Then another person from that group who is a local plant expert picked out all the plants for me, ones that would not die if my lack of green thumb did not take care of them perfectly. A planting party put them all in, in May, led by another person with much greater garden knowledge than I. And now I have a beautiful front yard complete with a silk mimosa tree that is a testament to my community. This is Tribe.

And still it is hard to create and maintain groups where this kind of connection and life sharing happens easily and over time. Workshop groups tend to be transitory as folks’ life focus changes, especially if there is cost involved. Gift economy groups have a tendency to dissipate over time, because if the gifts don’t get to a level that really saves time and makes a quality of life difference, the groups can just become another thread in a complex, somewhat overwhelming life. Many spiritual and political groups tend to stick with one area f connection.

And many groups dissipate when interpersonal relationship challenges are not dealt with elegantly. I have a name for emotional conflicts that were never resolved that sort of stink up community. I call then emotional dead bodies.

And yet with all this challenge, a tribal community of deep caring, long term connection, and multi-level mutual support is still what my soul longs for, and my mind visions as making a real difference in the world.

I will continue doing the things to contribute to good in the world that I do now. But if I can find a tribe, or people who have the willingness to create one, I am all in.